I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
