It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
