Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
this is an emotional support booty call
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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