i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
