Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
