I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
