Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize