walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
