i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
