3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
