i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
