now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
