Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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