He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
