your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Can I color on your dick again?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
