Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
