U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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