Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
