my phone needs a breathalizer
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
ok first of all what the fuck
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
