lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
