The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
