Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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