whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
