I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
