i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
