I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You took a bar mat shot.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
