Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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