I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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