I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
