Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
