And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
