btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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