ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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