flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
