my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
