he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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