Your face is a jimmy john
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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