I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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