Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
