why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
