everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize