had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
