So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
