Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
