hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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