Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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