just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
