I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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