apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
