Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
