I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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