I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize