meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
