the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
