i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize