I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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