I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
