She is in my trunk
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
