OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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