Rock
Scissors
Fuck
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
