two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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