My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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