She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
