I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
